TheChrisD - Rant Central

Gone on long enough…

Right, this has really gone on long enough… Living at home for the summer break from college is really starting to get on my nerves now. Things were fine at first, but it seems that clashing lifestyles are really pushing this family relationship to the limit. I really don’t know how much longer I can handle this…

NOTE: The following rant contains coarse language and things unsuitable for a less mature audience.

Yesterday and today seem to have been the turning point from things being relatively bad, to things being oh-so-fucking-atrocious. I’ve been on the summer break from college, after having to move out of on-campus accomodation 2 days after my final exam of the year. Whilst everything was fine and dandy at the start, since then things have deteriorated significantly.

I’m aware that myself and my mother have different lifestyles. However, I’m repeatedly being told that it’s my choice of lifestyle that’s the “wrong” one. I’m aware I have no job, althought I put that down to the fact that there is no work available around Dunboyne, and even Blanchardstown. I’ve been trying since I arrived back around 3 months ago. Why then, do I get continually shouted out for staying at home all day, when it’s not my problem there’s no work out there? I’ve heard all the stories about rising unemployment, and I agree with them! I have first hand experience with a lack of work, unlike herself who’s been working practically full-time since she was 17.

Which leads me onto another thing. Not everyone has to go through the same thing! Sure, she had to work almost full-time locally to pay all the household bills because her mother was ailing at the time, and she had to take care of me after my father went and fucked off after 2 years - but it does not mean everyone is expected to deal with such hardship! I did get a job and tried to hold it down, but customer service was not my thing, and I couldn’t stay there much longer! That my problem? Sure, I’m probably not able to pay so much towards the house what with half of my Disability Allowance going into a savings account so that I can pay for college registration fees, and accomodation - but will you ever stop going on about it! I do my best, can you not accept it?

It really drives me crazy how I do my best to find work, contribute towards the house, to get through college and passing the exams - and I still get grief because it’s not enough. I did my best for my exams, I studied as hard as I could and make a huge effort in regurgitating all that info onto the exam paper. So, I failed a few. Well I did fail quite a good bit, but having to do 6 modules a semester, with all 6 exams in the space of about 8 days is really tough! It’s a lot harder than it was in 1st year. It’s not a linear difficulty curve, that you can easily manage from year-to-year. From a relatively simple first year, it really shot up in second year. I did my best then and it wasn’t good enough. I’m now trying to learn as much as I can to do even better the second time round! So, will you stop bleating on about how I’m “not studying”. Just because I’m not studying the way you had to (with books and paper notes and stuff), doesn’t mean I’m not learning anything! These days we have notes and reading material online… get that through your thick head…

My choice of leisure involves doing stuff online or playing video games (mostly online as well). I don’t see how you can’t understand that I’m interacting with others. The only times I’ve seen her use a forum is when she’s looking for other people’s experiences with money and other crap like that. Obviously, she hasn’t used a forum for general chatting, and good times with others. Plus, with blogs and Twitter, and other forms of networks, everything you do online can be with other people. I know she works a lot on her computer - but it doesn’t mean that’s what everyone has to do on theirs!

Particularly when it comes to video games, that’s where we really clash. I choose to play the 360, particularly online with other people. Playing games with others makes it into a fun experience. I’m glad she understands that when it comes to playing Wii Sports, but obviously she can’t switch that mentality to other consoles and/or games. And WTF is with the crackdown on the 360? So, my main choice of genre on it are first-person shooters like Halo 3 and Call of Duty 4. I’m aware Aoife’s very young, hence why I’d only play them when she’s not around. And my so-called agressive nature when I’m playing? Obviously you’re not sitting down and watching me play these days. Yes, a couple of years ago, I did get annoyed a lot when playing, but I don’t do that anymore. These days I play mostly for fun with others, rather than sitting by myself in the corner of a room playing against the ever-annoying CPU…

But, the big swing of the pendulum has to be mentality. I think differently to others. I see things in a different light, and from a different perspective to normal people. It’s been recognised by mental health experts. I have a doucment which clearly states that my differing mentality is officially recognised as Asperger’s Syndrome. The State even recognise it and are trying to help me by supplying the Disability Allownace while I do my best to find work that’s suitable for me (heck, right now any work would suit me!). She understands that I have it and that I think differently, but then why is she always saying that I’m not thinking “normally”. I’m aware I’m different. I do my best to try and be normal, and when that’s not possible, I do my best to suceed my way. How is that such a big deal?

I’m not sure if I have all that much of a level head right now, because with all this anger and sorts going through my head, I’m really finding it hard to think straight. I haven’t had many anger management problems for a few years now - last time I got pushed too far, we physically fought for about an hour, and I was this close to slitting her neck. There have been several occasions now where I’ve had to say that she’s pushing me to the limit, and that I need to walk away to cool down, but she’s always forced me to stay and have to listen to her bleating on and on when I’ve specifically said that it’s making me more and more angry. I’ve been hearing news recently of court cases when murder has been involved and the reason for it was that the person was driven too far by the deceased. I worry that this is going to turn into one of those cases…

*sigh* If you see a very brief Twitter message, almost like that guy who got arrested in a foreign country and only managed to get the word out by tweeting from his phone, then you’ll know things have hit rock bottom. I really don’t want to have to go there, but I don’t know how much more I can take it…

Not sure whether this will be my last post for a while… but we’ll see… Things will be said over the next few hours. What the result of that will be, I really do not know.