This past week has had a great mix of both ups and downs. Although I’d have to say the amount and weight of the downs seriously overpowers the ups. You may say it’s a new beginning, but for me it’s just a crappy old continuation of the same boring shit.

The major down, I’m sure everyone is aware of by now, so I probably don’t need to go into great detail about it. Yes, I currently have no fixed abode, and it is the biggest downer with quite a large weighting. No wait, that’s an understatement. An immensly large weight dragging me ever down in a spiral which seems to have no base, at least from where I am currently. It really does not help that I need to bother my friends to put up with me in their own homes for however long. I appreciate their kindness and hospitality, but I don’t feel like I deserve any of it.

Another major downer is the state of the rental market, particularly for students. Finding a new place, however temporary, that I can call a home I live in, is like… you know, the only thing I can compare this to right now is trudging through the marsh fields of Fingal Airsoft. It’s hard, it’s tough, and there’s a lot of pain involved. Although this is more emotional and stress pain than anything physical. I’ve had a place that I really would have liked slip away from me by mere minutes. Things like that are seriously hard to cope with. Getting so close only to have it practically taken from your fingers.

I’m finding this quite hard to write. I know that there are things that I’d want to say, but actually getting them out and onto the screen is… tough. It’s a challenge. In real life, I’ve never kept a diary, of anything. Not for fun, not out of habit, not for school, or anything of the sorts. Originally, I started to write this blog to share some of the aspects of my life that I thought would be of interest to some people, make some other blog friends and chat online. Finding that there was such a community behind the Irish blogs means I have found more friends, people with possibly similar interests, those who I can talk to about… anything really. Although I’ve never really felt as much intwined into the community than the past week.

Many people expressed their concerns when my original tweets came out that very late Wednesday night. Life for me hasn’t been the same since. My immediate family seems to have changed all of a sudden from those whom I (possibly) share blood with, to those who lead some form of an online life. Hopefully soon, that too will change to a more close “family” of room-mates, once I’m able to find a proper place near college.

They say change is good. But I guess whoever said that didn’t have their lifestyle change so suddenly with a single form submission.

I don’t know if I’m going to get through this on my own. I highly doubt I will be the same once this ordeal is even partially over. I just… don’t know if this life of mine is worth living anymore.

I’m trying hard not to break down right now. The more I write, the more the hopelessness of it all seems to cloud over me and make any aspirations and possibilities seem fruitless. Maybe the world would continue on without any change if I were to back out and stop influencing anything else. Maybe…

I sit here, staring at the screen, watching the Twitter stream go by. Seeing how the community is going by, and how they’re happy. Everyone seems to have what they are looking for out of life, at least judging by what they say. If I were to leave it suddenly without notice, would anyone notice? Is this the time to erase my mark on this world and to stop poisoning it with my presence?

The answer, lies within tonight I guess.

I will remain here, at the only Internet café in town that I know is open 24 hours. When I leave in the morning, the choice will hopefully be clear to me…

Pressing publish on this is not something I really want to do, but I also don’t want to waste any more time trying to come up with worthless excuses to keep writing and not actually let this free into the world.

No looking back now, I guess.