Found on The Oatmeal.

Thankfully, I upgraded from my first e-mail, which was a Hotmail account back in 2007, to my own domain. Yes, I have been massively computer literate for that long

• What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and Jacko? Fergie will be playing Giggs in August.
• Michael Jackson has cancelled all his upcoming dates. They were James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11).
• Early medical reports state he choked on a small bone.
• Apparently it was touch and go at the hospital but that was just the children’s ward!
• BREAKING NEWS: MTV actually showing music videos for the first time in at least 15 years!
• I heard that that woman with the big knockers on the jam commercial died!
• If this truly is "The Day the 70′s Died," does this mean I can have Reaganomics and MTV-with-real-videos back now?
• Does Michael Jackson need to be embalmed?
• Q. How many boys can you fit in a coffin with MJ?
  A. The younger they are, the more you can fit.
• Huh? Michael Jackson is dead? At least he’s already wearing a (sparkly) suit!
• Paramedics spent 42 minutes trying to resuscitate MJ.
  UPDATE: Paramedic still trying to wash the makeup off.
• MJ cause of death was food poisoning… traces of 12 year old nuts found in his mouth.
• MJ didn’t have a heart attack… he’s in the children’s ward having a stroke!
• Michael Jackson’s dead – early reports are undecided whether to blame it on the sunshine, the moonlight, the good times or the boogie.
• I thought he’d live forever, he was so full of plastic.
• Waiting for MJ, Tupac and Elvis all to come back as zombies for the Thriller Part Deux Tour. I’d go…
• There’s more life in Michael Jackson than in the office this morning.
• I see there being a shit load of white cotton right hand gloves for sale in the next few days as a result of his death.
  I see even more left hand gloves for discount sale.
• http://www.ismichaeljacksonalive.com/
• http://ismichaeljacksonazombieyet.com/

Got any more?

Maybe I’ll perk up again once college is over. Maybe

I should be back up to full speed soo-tvgieeybucyi9tvu……… *snore*

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And then the fight started…

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…

 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started…

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy crap. That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started…

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started…

 

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And then the fight started…

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…

So, anybody want to go try these out and possibly not start a fight?

Found over on Alexia’s Red Links.

I think I’d take this over Jackass any day

EDIT: I think WP has a bug, whereby if you embed a Flash video in the Visual editor, and then click on it, and set it to center-aligned – it gets changed into an image…

The arrival

It was after coming back from dropping Aoife to her first day back at school (3rd class – and don’t expect a big post about that…) and the morning shop, when the post arrived. Along with a couple of bills was a blue package addressed to me, originating from the UK. It was then that it clicked that it had to be the new Baby Bear arriving from eBay! I’m so glad that although the auction had ended that the bear hadn’t been sold off!

Right and Clean were very curious as to what the new bear would be like, and were trying to tear at the package to open it, but as they didn’t have any claws, it was to no avail. So they had to wait until later, once Aoife had returned and everyone was here and ready to open it, that they could find out what sort of bear was in the bag…

The opening

It was a very excited Aoife moreso than the bears who tore into the packaging. Although it was very hard to open (folded over and then taped shut), we eventually managed to get it off to reveal the new member of the Baby Bear family. Out came a very clean, plushy and creamy-coloured bear. Although the nickname I had in mind for him was “Minty Bear” (owing to the fact that he was more mint-condition than the others), my sister and mother settled on the name “Cream Babe”. Since he was creamy, unlike the others.

Cream Babe fit into the family very quickly, and soon got to grips with life in the house – which usually involved sitting and/or laying around waiting to be picked up and had stuff done with.

Cream Babe seems taller and bigger than the other bears, although it seems to be because his polyester fluff is still, well, fluffy and hasn’t settled or been squashed, unlike the other three. Although a side-effect of this is that he can’t seem to be able to clap his hands…

Right Babe and Cream Babe comparison

The plot

Please note that this part wasn’t actually a figment of my mind (for once). It was actually something my mother came up with as the other three bears were being bleached in the sink before going in the washing machine.

However, all was not as it appeared to be. Secretly, Clean Babe’s plushy and creamy exterior hid a dark demonic bear inside. After bleaching himself very cream and making himself extremely plushy and soft, Cream Babe plotted a way to get rid of the rest of the Babes, and take the title of Number One Bear (since he would be the only one left), and then enjoy the comforts of doing everything I do (within reason).

His evil plan to remove the Baby Bears involved hypnotizing my mother into demanding that the bears needed to be soaked and bleached before being washed in the dreaded washing machine. It all went according to plan as the three Babes were thrown into the bathroom sink full of hot water, washing-up liquid, and bleach.

Will the Babes survive drowning in the nightmare sink? If so, will they survive the dreaded washing machine?

The climax

Of course they will, they’re polyester teddy bears… If they weren’t capable of surviving a washing machine, how would they have lasted the past 9 years?

Anyway, catch all the Cream Babe pics and more in the Baby Bear album in the Stuff gallery.

Found at The Blog Herald, via Alexia.

1. Would you rather the worst blog post you’ve ever written stay on the front page of Digg for a week or the best blog post you’ve ever written get zero Diggs?

Given how much I don’t like Digg after the whole impersonation fiasco, this one is simple for me – my best blog post ever getting no Diggs at all.

2. Would you rather have the last 30 seconds of your life or the first 30 seconds shown on video via your blog?

I’d probably have to say the last 30 seconds of my life. Most of my early life (i.e. 16-17 years) was never on the Internet, so why would I have my first half minute of existence (outside the womb) available for all to see? At least when I do die, there will hopefully be people who still read this stuff and would be interested in seeing it

3. Would you rather blog exclusively about blogging or not blog at all?

Not blog. I know that there are a load of people out there who do blog about everything blogging-related (I’m not going to name names here), but I’m not one of them. If I couldn’t blog about my everyday rants, then I wouldn’t. Although then you’d have to listen to me going on face to face

4. Would you rather have the ugliest blog design and the best content on earth or the most beautiful blog design and the lamest content?

Given how my current layout isn’t exactly the most colourful of arrangements (all my hex codes are the same character six times…), I’ll stick with worst design, best content. What’s the point in having a nicely laid out site when the content is complete and utter garbage * cough cough *

5. Would you rather that your blog be featured on Oprah every day for a week or linked to at the Google homepage for one hour?

Google please. Oprah’s gone downhill over the past decade or so, and I’m not entirely sure I’d like her legions of women followers all over my site (no offence to the guys out there who adore her!)

6. Would you rather have the most popular blog in the world but no blog revenue or the most profitable blog but no fans?

Now this is a bit of a toughie. It’d be great to have the most popular blog possible, just as long as the costs of hosting it weren’t astronomical (Not saying that Blacknight is expensive!). However, it would be great to be able to earn a huge amount from blogging, but not having any true fans would mean that there’s no heart to the blog… (I consider frequent commenters like Reflex and B’dum to be good enough as fans!)

7. Would you rather stop breathing or stop blogging?

Surprisingly, I had to think about this one

However, since ethere is more to life than blogging (i.e. gaming!), I’d have to pick stop blogging.

In summary…

I’m not really one to start memes around the blogging community, so I’m not going to tag anyone to do this themselves (that and I’m too lazy to!) – although I do await your participation.

Also, if you have any WYR? questions to ask me, feel free to do so. I’ll do my best to answer it, if I’m not ignoring you because I feel like it

The comments (highlighted in bold) aren’t actually mine, but rather those of my French-Canadian friend, Pennywise.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life… quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts by blogging it yourself, or e-mailing it to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

And, God love that pig!

I so want! Maybe someone could be commissioned to make a whole set of Simpsons Euro coins? I’m sure we can come up with a small country, maybe the size of a postage stamp and authorise it to mint the Simpsons coins

Source: RTÉ.ie

River “DCU, Ballymun Road entrance”

Enjoy a leisurely walk along the bank of the “DBRE” river. Take solace from the world as you enjoy the tree-lined pathway, the marshlands opposite, and the waters lapping up against the bank. Watch out for the river cars, though! They do tend to get a bit splashy at this time of year!

Lake N3

This beautiful lake, situated in the natural valley between the two Blanchardstown slip roads, is a perfect spot for yachting, sailing, jet-skiing and other activites. With two distinct sections to the lake, you can enjoy a peaceful fishing break while thrill seekers can have a blast over the flimsy barrier

Hurry and enjoy it now before the lake controversially matures into the Lake M3!

“Dunboyne Castle, Rooske Road entrance” Waterfall

If your ideal thought of beautfil water features is a calm waterfall, then this tranquil place is for you. The waterfall took many years to come together but was helped with the discovery of the “Marshy Fields behind Concrete Wall” spring. See how the waterfall comes together from all the small gaps in the brick cement to create such a beautiful sight, and a crystal clear river at the bottom

And for the real thrill-seekers out there, here’s my personal recommendation:

Grafton Street Rapids

If it’s an adrenaline rush, you’re looking for, then come to the Grafton Street Rapids! White-water rafting will never be the same again after you take this challenge. Keep your cool, as you rush down the lightning-speed water, but be sure to pay close attention to avoid the many numerous obstacles, including: bollards, street lights, buskers, street-sweepers, and the most dreaded rapids dangers of them all: Shoppers, and Tourists.

Coming back without serious injuries is not guaranteed…

Anyway…

So, anyone fancy taking a holiday at one of our new destinations?

Hell explained by chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so profound, that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

He got an A+.

My current source of income, and some of you may already know from some previous rant, comes from the State. It’s good and all, but I would like to have a decent job to earn more (well technically I’d still earn the same amount because the DA goes down as my salary goes up). Of course, it doesn’t help when there is a lack of jobs and unemployment is on the up. Still, I think I do work hard enough trying to find a job to earn my handout…

Although, with half of my weekly income going straight into a savings account, so that I can pay the huge lump sums for on-campus accommodation, and the monthly credit card payments (I pay it off in full every month), on top of daily expenses, doesn’t leave much for much else…

Finding more money is harder and harder. With rising web hosting costs (up from $4.20 a month for just my blog, to $6.99 a month for blog and RPWS, since basic package only allowed one domain…), that means more expenses. Adding the Google ads to the RPWS site is a start, but it’s a very slow earner. Plus they don’t pay out until $100, which means that after about two years total of ads, I’m still only 40% of the way there…

Plus, I still want to buy that monster gaming computer at some point. I’m trying to keep the cost down, and although at times it seems to be dropping in price, it actually turns out they’ve just discontinued one of the parts and haven’t told me… Main problems are the fact they only take credit cards, which stems to my low credit limit, and the fact I pay off all at once. A bank loan has been considered, but would I get one, and also how much more of my cash has to be put aside to pay for it each month?

Which brings me to the conclusion, and really the whole point of this. I know I’ve said before I didn’t really want to advertise on my site, but do you really think I should? I could replace Baby Bear’s little peeking spot with a small Adsense thingy… Might not be as noticeable or as big, but it might get a bit of income from pageviews and clicks… ~200 pageviews a day would earn something, right?

FYI, it’s a playlist

Obviously most of those New York merchants didn’t understand that it’s still legal tender, so technically they are supposed to take it in exchange for their goods/services!

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I’d used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0′s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources.

It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I’ve attempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2001 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.

The response?

Turn gay or get used to it.